Back after a long hiatus

For the longest time in my life I did not want to be a mother. I thought it was overrated, not for me and kids in general did not appeal to me. I was not one of those girls who grew up always dreaming about their prince charming and planning their wedding. I thought, I had far greater things in life to do. Building a better life was one of them and so my waking life was usually packed with trying to realize my dream of living in the US. 

Then I landed here, in New York where a regional jet flew me to Pittsburgh and then on to Clarion where I had my first reverse cultural shock. I didn’t know where I had landed and why I was there. This is not the life I had dreamt of, however, eventually with some cherished friends along the way, I managed to survive. I still did not want kids. 

With a degree in hand, I came to New York to realize my dream of getting a Ph.D. and becoming a corporate superstar. A couple of years of working and I began to understand myself. I was not ever going to be a corporate superstar. What you saw was what you got with me and there was certainly no desire to ever play politics, involve in dirty games and mangle someone else's dreams to achieve my reality. Very soon my dreams began to change. I was captivated with the desire to do some good in the world. Work at a non-profit like the U.N. Kids still did not show on my radar. 

Then in the middle of this what-career-I-want-crisis I fell in love. It was magical because it was reciprocated in the same way. I met my husband and he showed me what life meant. His arrival changed a lot in my life, for the better. I became someone who understood love for what it truly is – no drama, no fuss. We started living with each other – our hopes unified our lives one. There was still no place for children. 

Few years passed and we got married. We talked about kids but I was not sure about it. I truly believed the universe had forgotten to pass along a maternal gene. I thought I was incapable of caring for someone so small. I didn’t know what I would do with it and being responsible for someone to that extent, frankly freaked me out. So the conversation ebbed and flowed but kids were nowhere around. 

Then one day, my clock struck twelve. I started thinking of kids and with some planning and some vacationing I got pregnant. 10 months later, a miracle took place in my life. I fell in love again. This time, my love showed me what I was missing. She showed me how misguided my ambitions were. She not only brought to me my maternal instinct, that I thought was nonexistent, but also showed me how desperate I was to use it. I was born again, this time as a mother. 

I’ve been MIA for the past few months only because I am living the biggest dream I didn’t even have! I thank my daughter for fulfilling me and the universe in bringing me this terrific experience, something I will always cherish. My life is now filled with laughter, giggles, diapers, milk and burps. I never knew boring conversations such as “which diaper size fits her right” or “she is wearing her 6 month outfit already!” could be so interesting. Now, it seems, life would be incomplete without them. 


And of course, life would be incomplete without her, my Sophie, my darling daughter, my biggest achievement and my brightest star! The desire to do good in my has not died but the only person it now wants to benefit is myself. If I can impart some knowledge that helps make her a better person and live a better life, one that is not just about self gain, but in harmony with the environment I will consider myself a success. The rest is up to the universe and I give myself and Sophie to that force that eventually governs us all.