Nothing & Everything

Do you know the feeling when you feel overwhelmed but under challenged? When all things have become a part of you yet you feel distant? When your thoughts are consuming you yet you are managing to keep away from them? When you can’t find solace in your waking life but your dreams are able to provide answers?

If you do then you know how I feel. It’s a mixture of feelings where I am daring myself to go beyond and being drawn to the mystical at the same times I couldn’t be less bothered with stimulating the intellect. One of the reasons I was away for a while. The other, I was working.

I’ve been having some pretty crazy dreams and I wait to every night to see what I’d dream next. It seems that my sleeping life holds more excitement than my waking one. It is almost as if I turn to my bed in hopes of finding answers or some clues to mysteries my brain on coffee can’t seem to crack.

Tumultuous emotional days add to the overall chagrin (I use it for complete lack of a better word. I don’t curse the dictionary for lack of words simply my waking mind for my inability to express the emotion)! Past few days an intense feeling held me in its gaze, an awakening sort of aura resided around me. Today, I can’t seem to find it. Maybe it’s on a hiatus.

In this sort of world, I cannot turn to any reading that would make me feel relaxed and at ease. I don’t know if my feeling is of unease so it wouldn’t be appropriate to classify it one way or another. I guess the best way to look at it would be to say – right now I just am. I am watching, feeling and moving with this ebb and flow of a rainbow of sentiments, all bringing with them their disdain, indifference or excitement. I reel with them.

Anyway, back to reading so I started The Indian Clerk, don’t know how far I will get with it but that’s me being for now. The fiction tale is loosely centered on a real life character Ramanujan, an illiterate from India but a math genius. It’s the story of how his mentor discovers him and gives him flight. The real Ramanujan died very young but let’s see where this tale takes us.

For now, I am headed back to sit within myself and take a whim or fancy towards something undefined, something challenging, boring or simply something that just is.