Disdain

Why do English writers go on & on & on & on? I get that its their language and their general comfort level with the script and its usage is high than the rest of us; to whom they introduced their beloved tongue, but does that mean they should get lost in their own words? I often come across this, where I believe, usually an English writer gives out waaaaay too many details about things that do not matter. There are exceptions, of course but a lot of them talk about trivialties in such a way; you forget the point they were really making and the story you are actually reading.

This trend was alright back in the day when writers like Tolstoy and Dostoevsky rambled on for centuries because they were being paid per word. Now-a-days, its archaic. Get to the point! And get to it fast. Resorting to such feeble attempts to fill in pages isn't lending credibility to your writing skills. Crisp writing is.

Nothing & Everything

Do you know the feeling when you feel overwhelmed but under challenged? When all things have become a part of you yet you feel distant? When your thoughts are consuming you yet you are managing to keep away from them? When you can’t find solace in your waking life but your dreams are able to provide answers?

If you do then you know how I feel. It’s a mixture of feelings where I am daring myself to go beyond and being drawn to the mystical at the same times I couldn’t be less bothered with stimulating the intellect. One of the reasons I was away for a while. The other, I was working.

I’ve been having some pretty crazy dreams and I wait to every night to see what I’d dream next. It seems that my sleeping life holds more excitement than my waking one. It is almost as if I turn to my bed in hopes of finding answers or some clues to mysteries my brain on coffee can’t seem to crack.

Tumultuous emotional days add to the overall chagrin (I use it for complete lack of a better word. I don’t curse the dictionary for lack of words simply my waking mind for my inability to express the emotion)! Past few days an intense feeling held me in its gaze, an awakening sort of aura resided around me. Today, I can’t seem to find it. Maybe it’s on a hiatus.

In this sort of world, I cannot turn to any reading that would make me feel relaxed and at ease. I don’t know if my feeling is of unease so it wouldn’t be appropriate to classify it one way or another. I guess the best way to look at it would be to say – right now I just am. I am watching, feeling and moving with this ebb and flow of a rainbow of sentiments, all bringing with them their disdain, indifference or excitement. I reel with them.

Anyway, back to reading so I started The Indian Clerk, don’t know how far I will get with it but that’s me being for now. The fiction tale is loosely centered on a real life character Ramanujan, an illiterate from India but a math genius. It’s the story of how his mentor discovers him and gives him flight. The real Ramanujan died very young but let’s see where this tale takes us.

For now, I am headed back to sit within myself and take a whim or fancy towards something undefined, something challenging, boring or simply something that just is.

Stopped to smell the roses, literally!

Seeing that its a Friday before the long weekend and the weather has been picture perfect, this morning I was strolling to work. Just outside the condo, at the entrance, there are 3 rose bushes which have been making my morning beautiful with their fragrance each time I pass by. This morning we stopped to take some pictures, what a beautiful sight!

What is our true nature?

The book I’m reading advocates doing things without thought, just plunging into action. The protagonist starts to dance without paying regard to the tunes; her teacher starts to knit in bad ways. Why? Because it’s when you deviate from your normal path do you find who you really are. So, that got me thinking. Should I write badly? I take writing in the same vocation that these guys take dancing or knitting. Would something/someone decide to give me voice and speak of my dreams to me? Would it help me realize my inhibitions in not going down the road I should travel? Will someone show me how to set myself free and traverse the blue skies in happiness? Will my search of elements to placate the emptiness in my soul end?

Too many cooks spoil the broth or in my case too much thinking kills the fun. Rationality is a quality I possess in abundance and come what may I am sometimes at the unkind mercy of twisting and twirling every detail until it matches my practical eye. While in most cases this sort of analyzing helps me, it is also hindering me realize my true nature, because deny it as much there is another side to me. A free spirit who can roam without cares and do things that make the soul happy. Don’t you think we all have that?

I have a friend who dares to live this way, against the norm without regard for what tomorrow will bring. She unknowingly teaches me a lesson or two about the importance of just being. Logic is important but not so much as to overwhelm you and take the joy out of living. She lives her life just that way. By being. Not by creating a furor over things she considers are wrong but neither by resigning herself over it. In calm, soothing style and ways that you and I wouldn’t even think of she exudes her opinions or simply be’s.  

We might be quick to ask if she has any responsibility. No I say but is that really an excuse? If we decide to take the road less traveled and our loved ones fail to understand how essential the walk is to our development and realization, what worth is the love we share? I don’t want to sound preachy or tell anyone what to do. I guess the battle for me is to look for that tiny door lying somewhere in my soul and somehow slither in there to find for myself what lies behind it. Speculation is easy, action is hard. Advice is easy to impart, acting on that advice is much more difficult.

People tell me all the time, I see a lot of potential in you, why don’t you do something about it? In all honesty, I don’t know. Do I trust myself to do the things that I want to? Absolutely. Do I believe I have the courage, conviction, strength of character? I do not for a moment doubt it. Then what is it? What sort of fear underlies and triumphs all the other positive energy radiating around me? I fail to grasp.

I am not here analyzing myself, in fact I have truly decided to desist from that favorite past time. I look to the future but by being in the present. I have stopped asking the heavens for assistance and just looking at life on a day-to-day basis. Questions in my rational mind will always persist. I am simply trying not to answer them.

Mesmerizing

When you read tales such as The Red Tent it reminds you why women are so important to this world. It is a story that connects to every woman at some level because at some point in our lives be it as a daughter, mother, wife or a worker we’ve experienced gender related injustice. And most times, we have suffered through it; put on a brave face and lived the day until we are in the quiet corner of our bed where we shed a tear or two to express our helplessness.

Over the years, I’ve had my share of close friends but my pillow was my greatest comfort and as a child I often hugged to it and cried on it while it reassured me that everything would be OK. It sang me a lullaby and cradled me to sleep. We women are uncanny; we derive strength and the power to keep going from unnatural sources. I shudder to think what the world would be without us. Not just from a procreating point of view but because we add the zing to life. We make sure our men develop character, steadfastly supporting them but not once hesitating to chastise them if they are in the wrong.

I really don’t know where I am going with this but this book stirred the woman in me. Adapted from the book of Genesis, The Red Tent tells the story of Dinah with a twist. According to the real version of events, Dinah was assumed raped by her brothers and they went and killed her rapist and essentially destroyed her life with it; to save the family honor. Sound familiar? In those times, a woman raped was looked down and considered an abomination (I pause to think not much has changed) and no one would want her. So Dinah had to live her life in a lot of hatred, although Job later married her.

In the book, she fights for her choices; she fights to find love and peace. She is a modern woman, who has inherited her share of injustice but doesn’t mourn them instead faces them head on. She doesn’t give up her right to live and ploughs through regardless of her father barely remembering her at the time of his death and choosing to bless his sons over the haunted memory of his daughter. That got me thinking, why? Why do we usually do that? Why do we fail to give voice to those we love who have suffered? And the answer probably is because that highlights our weaknesses. In not admitting her, Jacob was inherently not admitting the mistakes he made as a father. He chose to remember the good sons and forget all about the one daughter whose life he had failed to protect and nurture. His greedy sons put their needs before hers (as most men do) and sacrificed the honor of their only sister so they could be “safe”. They sold Joseph so they could inherit their father’s blessings. And all this for what? Earthly possessions? A materialistic life? Sadly, we still haven’t learned any better.

The Red Tent captures you, shows you that despite the gruesome things we women have seen in our lives, we still find reason to rejoice. We suffer the monthly curse but we take pride in being a woman, we suffer the unbearable pain of childbirth but we rejoice at the first sight of the child who caused us so much suffering. We are a proud folk and no matter how hard men and society try to put us down, we will always come back up stronger.

Coincidences or much more?

I was very young when I realized everything in this universe happens for a reason. Reason is the logic that keeps everything around us churning. Time and again we call it coincidences because we are too oblivious, unaware, wrapped up in our own lives to realize how things are interconnected. How sometimes things that seem to disappoint at first actually turn out to protect us and prevent chaos in our lives and in lives of those who care about us. We dismiss instances thinking how they could possibly be connected, not realizing that we are only showing our deep ignorance. In the end whether we agree or not, our lives are the results of a scheme, a plot perhaps a romantic play or an exciting ballad that is run by someone/something. Call it fate, destiny we simply have to sit through the entire reel to truly understand its meaning.

 Over the years, I have been lucky enough to catch glimpses of seemingly innocuous occurrences and been able to connect the dots. Case in point, this week my husband and I were to go on vacation to Europe. Due to some circumstances outside of our control we were unable to travel but did not realize this until the last moment. Utterly disappointed, we made our way back home in stone cold silence. Needless to say coming back to work instead of gallivanting in Europe was brutal. Mentally, we were on that ship, sailing in the calm waters of the Mediterranean Sea which now had an empty cabin with our names on it. Fate had different plans and we were absolutely resigned to it!

This morning I came to work with a few emails sitting in my inbox from my mother in law. Apparently there had been some earthquakes that killed a few people, injured several more and destroyed a lot of buildings in and around the Mediterranean Sea region where my husband and I were supposed to be cruising. Need I say more? Further, I also found an article prophecizing about a massive earthquake in Rome on May 11, the exact day we were supposed to be there. Now I am not a stern believer of prophecies but many residents of Rome were leaving the city for the day not wanting to take any chances with their lives.

As much as I don’t question these occurrences, they still manage to blow me away.  Their explanation doesn’t fit into my mind, bound by reason and logic. But perhaps, that is my mistake. Instead of trying to decipher them, I should release them as unknown anomalies, as grateful reminders that this life is much more than I know and will ever know. No matter how hard I try, there is a path carved for me and no matter how much I want to deviate from it, the road will turn with me. I have to walk it to know where it takes me and how it ends.

Coincidences or much more?

I was very young when I realized everything in this universe happens for a reason. Reason is the logic that keeps everything around us churning. Time and again we call it coincidences because we are too oblivious, unaware, wrapped up in our own lives to realize how things are interconnected. How sometimes things that seem to disappoint at first actually turn out to protect us and prevent chaos in our lives and in lives of those who care about us. We dismiss instances thinking how could it possibly be connected, not realizing that we are only showing our deep ignorance. In the end whether we agree or not, our lives are the results of a scheme, a plot perhaps a romantic play or an exciting ballad that is run by someone/something. Call it fate, destiny we simply have to sit through the entire reel to truly understand its meaning.

Over the years, I have been lucky enough to catch glimpses of seemingly innocuous occurrences and been able to connect the dots. Case in point, this week my husband and I were to go on vacation to Europe. Due to some circumstances outside of our control we were unable to travel but did not realize this until the last moment. Utterly disappointed, we made our way back home in stone cold silence. Needless to say coming back to work instead of gallivanting in Europe was brutal. Mentally, we were on that ship, sailing in the calm waters of the Mediterranean Sea which now had an empty cabin with our names on it. Fate had different plans and we were absolutely resigned to it!

This morning I came to work with a few emails sitting in my inbox from my mother in law. Apparently there had been some earthquakes that killed a few people, injured several more and destroyed a lot of buildings in and around the Mediterranean Sea region where my husband and I were supposed to be cruising. Need I say more? Further, I also found an article prophecizing about a massive earthquake in Rome on May 11, the exact day we were supposed to be there. Now I am not a stern believer of prophecies but many residents of Rome were leaving the city for the day not wanting to take any chances with their lives.

As much as I don’t question these occurrences, they still manage to blow me away.  Their explanation doesn’t fit into my mind, bound by reason and logic. But perhaps, that is my mistake. Instead of trying to decipher them, I should release them as unknown anomalies, as grateful reminders that this life is much more than I know and will ever know. No matter how hard I try, there is a path carved for me and no matter how much I want to deviate from it, the road will turn with me. I have to walk it to know where it takes me and how it ends.